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My Husband Is A Bad Boy – I Used To Love It, But Now It Drives Me Crazy
I think as we get older the things that initially attracted us to other people can sometimes change. For example, when I was younger, I valued the money and material possessions of my friends and the people I wanted to date. If a guy had a nice car, that scored a few more points with me. I didn’t think the guy’s dad bought him that car and did nothing to earn it. I never thought what this could have said about someone’s character. Today, I don’t care what kind of car someone drives. I am more concerned about his financial responsibility and his character.
The same can happen with bad boys. Many young women like and pursue them. I think part of the reason for this is that young women are exposed to this as ‘cool’ with movie stars and rock stars. As a result, they’ll sometimes turn a blind eye to that geeky-yet-sweet guy in their art class to the guy in the leather jacket who doesn’t even show up to class. And it’s one thing to do this in high school but then grow up. But what if you marry a bad boy and he never grows up? Well, sometimes it requires honesty and adjustment.
A woman can tell a story like this. “When I met my husband, he had slicked back hair and rode a motorcycle. He was older than me, so he never went to my high school. We met when he walked into the restaurant where I worked. My parents used to do that.” I like it from the beginning. They felt that he was very irresponsible, that he would never grow up and that he would never amount to anything. In a way, their concerns were justified. We ended up getting married because I got pregnant. Looking back now, I realize that I was somewhat happy with the pregnancy because I knew that this was probably the only way to get him to marry me. He was not the kind of man to be attached to. Today, his hair is shorter, but he still prefers leather jackets and would still be what would be considered a bad boy. He still smokes and drinks occasionally. He takes nothing away from anyone and rarely compromises. He works when he wants because he owns his own. business, but is content to survive. Not a great communicator. I’d say he’s a better father than anyone gives him credit for, but he’s not always the best husband. It’s not overly sweet except when it surprises me on rare occasions. He still has dangerous hobbies like racing his motorcycle. He never wants to talk about finances, the future or other things that show responsibility. Some of my co-workers have their homes paid off and are looking at second homes as an investment to grow wealth. My husband would never do this. It took me years to convince him to buy instead of rent. He is very much a fly by the seat of your pants kind of person, while I see him acting like a child. Sometimes when I look at him and base it solely on his looks and our chemistry, my heart beats a little faster. And other times, when we discuss everyday tasks that adults have to think about, I feel nothing but frustration for him. I’m starting to think that marrying a bad boy was a big mistake. I’m starting to think bad boys never make good husbands.”
I understand where you are coming from. When I was in high school and college, I also loved bad boys. I think that is common among some teenage girls. However, I wouldn’t classify my husband as such today. Or, maybe I would classify it as reformed. And I can tell you that no marriage, no match, is perfect, no matter what kind of personalities you were dealing with in high school. Even that geeky guy in art class I was talking about earlier probably had his flaws. I can also tell you that the bad boy who drove me crazy in his muscle car now drives a van and is crazy about his kids and his wife (a woman I went to school with too). He still has an unconventional way of thinking at times, but he loves his family and would do anything for them. The point I’m trying to make is that I believe all people are capable of change when faced with adult responsibilities. I was much more shallow and carefree when I was young. Today I regret some of the things I said and did. Some of my past behaviors shame me today. But I can’t change that. I can only try to be better today.
Along the same lines, I would suspect that your husband has grown as a person in some areas. And I would also suspect that with a little work, you can change in other necessary areas if doing so would benefit your family. The first step is to make him aware of the need to do so.
But before you do that, you have to prioritize what you want to change. If you just throw all your complaints at him, it sounds like you’re just criticizing. Maybe your smoking can be the first course of the activity because it endangers your future. If you get sick from smoking, you may not be able to be as present for your children. Approach him about the most important things first, one at a time, and tell him how much you love him and want him to be with you as long as possible. Tell him that you have the courage to say this because you want him to be around for a long time.
Be careful not to attempt a full review of it. You don’t want to erase the edge that made you fall in love with him in the first place. You don’t want to change the core of who he is. You just want him to make some of the compromises that adults and family men have to make.
However, to address one of the initial questions, it is my opinion that former bad boys can be good husbands, especially those who are willing to adjust their habits for the benefit of their families. I’m not proud of every aspect of my former self, but most of my selfish behavior went away when I had other people around to think about it. I think this is true in many cases; you may have to call his attention to this.
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